Memories

Last weekend my wife and I went to her family home to stay and it was the first time that had both been there together since everything really started to come out with how I am feeling. It was always going to be a hard weekend with all the memories, emotions and talk happening but it felt like the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to go through that hard stuff to find the good stuff.

We both also didn’t want the only association for the place to be hard, painful memories. Yes they are always going to be there but there is so much more to the place apart from that. For one it is my wife’s family home so all her memories with the place but also the village is where we met, the house is where she first told me that she loved me plus many many many more happy, fun and the best of the best memories. No matter what bad memories you have it doesn’t take away the good ones.

Also though there is a lot of hard intense memories from the place recently there is a lot of good from those two weeks as well. That is where I really started to open up about how I was feeling and really ask for help. I found people that really love me and will support me through anything. Yes I was suicidal and very very close however I didn’t, I choose life and held on. I opened up my mind to wanting to try anything that will help, no therapy is not worth a try cause you don’t know what will help. I have found somewhere to learn new skills and how much I want to try new things. I have found out how much I need to be in the outdoors but also specifically that I really need to have the sea and sand. I need company, love and support but also need time to just be me and try and process. I have seen that I need to make changes in my life and while I don’t necessary know what they are or how to do them I open to the fact that I have options.

So yes the weekend was hard, it didn’t help that wasn’t arriving in the best of head spaces due to a couple of factors ( the NHS and driving ) however while it was hard there was also some great moments in it and have created good memories. The best memories are sometimes made from the little things and it is the little things that can matter the most. Little moments of having a camp fire with a colourful ninja, playing a board game, dropping tiny stones of your wife and mother in law as they lie on the beach, having mighty fine grilled cheese and pickle on toast and just enjoying the feel of the sun your back. Yes there were tears ( not from me but that is another story) and down bits but actually they will quickly fade while the taste of that sandwich will stay with me forever!

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I choose this fire picture as though when having that camp fire I wasn’t in the best of places I still loved sitting on the beach having a fire with my wife, mother in law and dogs. I would have liked to have been feeling better but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world or with anyone else.

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I absolutely love the Paps of Jura. (On a technical note I struggle with getting a straight horizon so that is something that I very much need to work on.) One day in the not too far away future I want to go climb them. I also love the whole adventure of going on a ferry so need to do that as well. I want the future and the plans that go with it.

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